Another year of the holidays. Another year has passed and a new one to come. Some will be celebrating a year of breakthrough, success, and happiness. Others will be battling regret, loss, hurt, and disappointment. And mostly, we will all have a mixture of all of the previously stated.
It is not necessarily what happens in our lives, but how we cope that determines health or lack of health. Some people in order to cope, will binge eat, binge drink, and avoid talking to certain people in their lives, especially during the holidays. Others will take a run, eat a salad, and juice to maintain energy and optimism.
How are healthy habits formed and unhealthy habits avoided? It is not so easy and just deciding. Sometimes it is about will power. And sometimes we are more complicated than muscling through in a sheer act of steel will power.
One unhealthy "habit" that I would like to focus on would be the habit of people-pleasing. Yes, you heard me, people-pleasing. And I call it a habit because a habit is something that just seems to happen out of nowhere, with no actual decision, like we just fall into something or we just innately do what we deem necessary in a given situation with virtually no forethought.
In the past, I have been chronically late. Why would you say that I have been chronically late? Well, I would see someone and need to talk and say hi. Or someone would call and I just couldn't get off the call because they "needed me." Or I was in an appointment with someone who needed to talk deeply about something and I just couldn't leave them a crumbling mess on the floor, I had to stick it out and be late for the next appointment or the next person.
People pleasers tend to have the following in common with each other:
1. In a given social or work obligation, it is very difficult for the people pleaser to say "no" out of fear of disapproval or rejection from the person asking for the appointment, task to be done, or social outing to be committed to. Instead of saying no, people pleasers will just say "oh that sounds amazing, I will do my best to be there!" People pleasers will avoid any sense of confrontation and will just avoid committing but sound amazingly positive, leaving the person thinking that they are definitely committed only to find out later that the people pleaser was just scared of saying no.
2. People pleasers tend to not have a lot of time for themselves because they are over-committed/overextended/over-involved. They don't have time to work-out, don't have time to cook, don't have time to journal or think. They have to be involved, they have to fulfill other people's expectations and don't even know what their own expectations are in a relationship whether work, social, or familial.
3. People pleasers may have different reasons why they people please even though the outcome seems the same. Some people pleasers are afraid of people's response. They struggle with fear. Some people pleasers derive satisfaction or pleasure from being needed and they get a rush of fulfillment when they live life as the "martyr," giving up everything that they want for the happiness of everyone else. Some people pleasers fear rejection. They don't want to be rejected by people. They feel a need to maintain synergy and balance in relationships. If they feel someone pull back in a relationship, they freak out and cannot handle the space. Some people pleasers are co-dependent and do not know how to function outside of the context of doing something or being around people. Alone time is non-existent.
What people pleasers lack more than anything is a lack of identity or a lack of purpose. People pleasers need to let go of the over attachment to routines and people "needing them." People pleasers would do well to take a sabbatical and find an island to move to for year with no responsibilities, no family obligations, and no work obligations. And for a year, people pleasers could work on getting to know themselves and figuring out what makes them tick and what needs to be unraveled and what needs to be discovered.
We all could do with a lot of self-discovery, spiritual discovery, heart, soul, and spirit growth. In America, we are swept into a system of business, of busy routines, and of the knee jerk reaction of pleasing people.
We are in such a deep-rooted fear of man that everything we do, think, or say, is to protect the response or the other individual or a fear that we may offend someone. To the point that people will spend over $30,000 in order to please everyone involved and to not let anyone feel "left out" or not acknowledged.
Think about your conversations, your social interactions, and about you day to day comings and goings. How much of what you are doing is coming from the core of you? How much of what you do is exactly what you want to be doing each and every day? How much of your day is authentically YOU? And how much is meeting expectations and obligations given from other people outside yourself?
Who said that you have to buy a house that you can't afford, buy a car that you can't afford, and life your life chasing money to pay for everything that you have already bought on credit and that you need to catch up to? Who said that you have to ignore your own needs and the needs of your health to fulfill the demands of day to day? Who said that you have to stay at a job that you hate just so that you can receive a paycheck every 2 weeks?
We are living in fear day after day after day. When will we break free from fear and live free, to the fullest, and in the most authentic way?
I encourage you in this holiday season to examine your motives and your goals and how much of your life is authentic to you as an individual. Maybe you don't really know who you are. At least you are being honest and realizing that you need to discover who you are. Whether you are 15 or 40 or 60 years old, it is never to late to discover who you are. We all have a need to find our identity and discover who we are.
Our lives are becoming too disjointed and disconnected because we are not connected to the core of who we are. We are not listening to our hearts and to the core of our beings to find what we need. We are hopelessly distracted by TV, Internet, phones, technology, work, and money. We have forgotten how to be a person, we have forgotten how to breath, and most off all we have forgotten how to have peace.
Let's break free from people pleasing this year and find authenticity.
