Inner healing

I remember when I was six years old and there was a terrible thunderstorm.  I was so scared; I ran into our freezer in the basement and started to eat chocolate peppermint ice cream by the spoonful.  In order to avoid feeling the fear of the thunderstorm, I attempted to feel better by eating loads and loads of ice cream.  Well, the thunderstorm did not disappear and my feeling of insecurity was simply masked by a stomachache, cold hands, and a cold mouth.  I learned, like so many people do, at a young age to stuff my feelings with food. 

Interestingly enough, my comfort food of choice in high school and throughout college was always ice cream.   Coincidence?  I think not.  I imprinted a memory of being scared and alleviating the feeling for a moment by eating ice cream.  That imprint stayed with me for over 15 years. 

It wasn’t until I was out of college that I started to address this unhealthy way of dealing with “negative” emotions.  Throughout college, I learned to journal, to talk about how I felt, to pray, to run, and to connect for the first time. 

For many years in high school, I simply avoided how I felt by being really busy and “productive” in school and sports.  And the occasional ice cream binge was included in my coping mechanisms. 

When I arrived in college, I started to unravel and the true feelings that I had been hiding for so many years came out in very strange ways.   For example, I started to deal with panic attacks on a regular basis.  I would try to go to sleep in my dorm room and my heart would start racing and I couldn’t breath properly.  The feelings chased me down and would not allow me to move forward without addressing and dealing with my true feelings.

Day by day and month by month, I began the painful process of peeling away the layers of feelings.  It wasn’t until years later that I hit the deepest emotion that I had felt in my life: emotional abandonment.  I learned this when I was on a Biblical study tour in Israel. 

I had a wonderful childhood and about the best parents that anyone could ever have.  I was a daddy’s girl and loved being with my dad.  When he bought my grandpa’s business and took over ownership, I didn’t know how to interpret what was happening.  I ended up feeling emotionally abandoned because I didn’t understand that he was doing what was best for our family and what was necessary for our wellbeing.  The problem wasn’t that he bought the business; it was in my interpretation of what was happening.  

It was a divine set-up because in Israel, years and years later, God uncovered this root of abandonment and I received the most profound inner healing that I have ever received.  It was the most incredible experience of my life.  Through prayer and journaling, I discovered that God was with me the entire time and that the abandonment that I thought was from my father was actually something that I felt internally between God and myself.  There was a gaping hole in my heart, a hole of abandonment that could only be filled by the love of God.

After my trip to Israel, I felt so satisfied in the deepest part of my soul.  What I noticed was that I ate less and felt more satisfied.  I did not feel many urges for sugar or ice cream.  The emotional mess internally was repaired in such a deep way that I did not have any need to try to mask my emotional turmoil. 

“Even if you are not at ease right now, being aware that you’re not at ease embraces that unease and dissipates it.  Learn to be with and accept what is (Eckhart Tolle).”

Through the process of inner and emotional healing, I had to learn to embrace whatever I was feeling when I was feeling it in order for it to be resolved.  This is exactly what so many of us try to avoid and push away through various distractions and addictions.  Many of us are addicted to avoiding feelings and food is one of the means by which we avoid feeling all our feelings. 

“All addictive behaviors are attempts to suppress and avoid feeling what we feel” (John Gray).

One question to ask yourself would be:  How do I avoid feeling my feelings?  What am I avoiding?  How do I use food as a way to escape “negative” emotions?

Take steps towards embracing yourself as an emotional, spiritual, and physical being.  We are not machines nor are we robots.  This process is very counter-cultural, but being a healthy, whole person is counter-cultural as well. 

Many people who are ill have feelings that are masked and covered beneath all the physical manifestations.  Somehow our feelings will find us.  Whether we learn to breath and feel through all of our emotions or whether we mask and stuff our emotions, they will come out. 

“Acceptance means you allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling at the moment (Eckhart Tolle).”

Can we accept the emotional side of us?  Can we embrace the painful moments and invite the process of healing?  We can reach out to people, to God, and to many avenues to help our soul and heart heal and reach a place of complete acceptance.

The Irritating Truth

In what areas are you taking full responsibility of your life?  In what areas are you only taking partial responsibility of your life?  How successful are the areas of your life that you are only taking partial responsibility?

When it comes to our personal health goals, taking full responsibility is so important to becoming healthy and well.  So many times, I am in a session with a client and they talk themselves out of deciding to pursue health. 

There are many reasons why it seems easier to not take full responsibility.  For example, it is cheaper, more convenient, and much easier to eat fast food or to eat pizza for dinner.  But with every decision, I will bear the consequence to that decision.  If the decision becomes a pattern, my health will eventually suffer for this pattern. 

If I don’t take full responsibility for my health, other areas of my life will most definitely be affected as well.  The tough truth is that if my health is not my responsibility because it is “too hard” or “too expensive” or because there are just too many treats at my office, then I am deferring my responsibility and avoiding the tasks and diligence that it requires to be healthy.  Thus, I am even forgoing my right to have health.

“The truth that you are in charge of your life will set you free only after it really irritates you (Sky St. John).”  It may be an irritating truth that you are the only one in charge of your health, your finances, your career path, and your life and marriage.  It is so annoying that no one can really help me until I decide that I am taking charge.  However, once I delve into the responsibility, I feel the benefits of the diligence and the decision to pursue health. 

Any decision that I defer and chose not to make is already made for me.  If I chose not to ask my boss for a raise, then I chose to stay where I am in my company.  If I chose to leave my job and start a business, then the success or failure of that business is my responsibility and I will reap the joy or sorrow of the end result. 

When I was 25 years old, I took the first step of taking full responsibility of my health by reading 1 book.  As soon as I read that book, I made a decision to change my entire lifestyle to support health.  As soon as I was 30 days into the journey, I was reaping the benefits of more energy, more joy, and more clarity in my mind.

So many of us surrender to the “reality of aging” or have the mentality that certain symptoms of aging are “normal.”  This is a small way that we defer the responsibility that we have to take care of our health. 

“Full responsibility is acknowledging that life is my mirror, every thought is a request, and the only thing that I need to change in order to be happier is me (MK Mueller).”  I have spoken to married women before who are bitter, angry, and hardened towards their husbands.  Many times, I hear the women complain bitterly that if only their husband loved them more then they would be happy or they would be able to love their children more.  I was saddened when one mother told me how she rejected her son because she was not happy in her marriage with her husband.  Her son suffered much by being rejected by his mother.  However, she did not take full responsibility for this thought and behavior towards her child.  Rather, she blamed her husband for her rejecting her son. 

As long as she continues to believe the lie that her husband is responsible for the rejection of her son, she will continue with the behavior of rejecting her son.  The husband will not suffer for it because he is oblivious.  Instead, she and her son will suffer the consequences of this grave error. 

We only have control over our own lives and we have no control over the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors of other human being.  We must choose to take full responsibility of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.  When we change our attitude towards our health by choosing the annoying reality that I am the only one who will keep myself health, then we will reap the benefits of choosing a healthy lifestyle. 

Attitude Eating

Many times, as I meet with clients, I tell them that I wish it were as easy as giving them a list of things to do and not do within their diet and lifestyle; however, it is never that simple.  We are complex, integrated people and our health needs to be looked at in different angles in order to understand and unravel the hindrances to our health journey.

Our actions and behaviors day to day happen after we have thought about it, after we have felt it, and after we have made a decision in our will to move forward.  If I think that it is Monday and I am going to have a horrible day and then I feel mad and then I imagine myself eating a chocolate brownie and feeling better, I make my way to the nearest brownie store and I buy a brownie as big as my face and I eat it. 

I may feel good about it for a moment.  But then I pay.  I lived out my thoughts, my emotions, and my intentions for the day.  We need to learn to command our days, set out thoughts in order and choice a positive attitude. 

I have heard of emotional eating, but I have never heard anyone talk about attitude eating.  Some of us have the wrong attitude towards our health and this is the root issue to the sabotaging of our health.

Attitude is defined as:  a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something, typically one that is reflected in a person's behavior.  The main thing that concerns me about attitude is that it is "settled" in people's minds so many times and that people are not flexible and ready to change their attitude if necessary.

In addition, researchers suggest that there are several different components that make up attitudes:

1.  An Emotional Component:  How the object, person, issue, or event makes you feel.
2.  A Cognitive Component:  Your thoughts and beliefs about the subject.
3.  A Behavioral Component:  How the attitude influences your behavior.  

In terms of health, it is important that we examine our conscious and unconscious attitudes towards our health, health in general, and what it means to be healthy.  Many times, we will find that we have opposing and conflicting beliefs, thoughts, and emotions that strongly influence our behavior and actions in regards to taking care of our health or not taking care of our health.

For example, someone may hold the following attitude about health:  “I don’t see what the big deal is about health.  It is too expensive.  I feel angry that someone could possibly suggest that I am in control of my health based on the choices that I make.  Obviously, my health is predisposed from the genetics of my grandparents and ancestral line.  I have diabetes because my dad did, my grandpa did, and his dad did as well.  I have no control over my health.”

With that kind of attitude, it is easy to see how out of control this person’s eating patterns and lifestyle would become.  Eating to satisfy the flesh and taste buds becomes of utmost importance as well as convenience and ease of speed.  This person will most likely be dependent on insulin with no hope of regaining any balance.

I often ask my clients if they believe that they can be healthy.  Most people will say yes.  However, in further questioning, it most often comes to the surface that they will always have to take this or that drug because of the severity of their health crisis.  The truth about their attitude towards their health reveals how proactive and open to solutions they will be.

When I was seeking solutions to my own health, after having been diagnosed with PCOS, it became my definitive attitude that my health crisis would be resolved and that I would have a regular period.  What I believed to be true fully manifested only 3 years after I made the transition to believing and walking in the attitude of receiving this truth.

One simple exercise that you can implement is visualization.  Every day, practice visualizing yourself as a healthy, happy, balanced person.    Watch as you go into a co-op or a health foods store and find the most healthy, vibrant foods.  Watch as you purchase these items without batting an eye at the cost.  Then watch as you eat these foods and feel so healthy and good.  Visualize what you would do if you had vibrant health.  As you begin this ritual, you will be amazed at the transformation of your beliefs, attitudes, and finally behaviors.  Soon, you will be walking in and receiving your healing as well!

Writer's Ice Block and unexpected healing path

Cold does interesting things to the human heart and soul.  In my case, it has caused a serious case of writer’s block.  I am trying to flow in my blogging efforts and all I keep hitting is a thick, very cold ice block (haha…).

Minnesota proves to be an interesting state to pursue health.  We have many obstacles to health:  snow, cold, frozen soils, black ice, etc.…. it can be very challenging to find good sources of food throughout every season.  Freezing, canning, planning ahead become part of the tasks of finding health in every season.

One challenging situation that I experienced this year was the death of a close friend.  My friend, Terri, had been battling breast cancer for 2 years and died January 12^th.  It was a shock, even though she had been sick for 2 years. 

We were in it together.  She decided that she was going to make it, she wasn’t going to die and that God would make a way for her to be here for her boys.  She left behind 3 beautiful boys, 9, 17, and 19 years old.  And she will be missed terribly.

I have never lost a close friend before and at such a young age.  We fought till the end for her to make it and yet her body failed her.  She didn’t fail, her heart was in it, and she fought harder than I have seen anyone fight.

I am still processing this loss and yet I have peace.  We had asked God to heal her and to restore her life.  We had prayed that God would provide for her and her boys.  I have never prayed as much as I did for my friend Terri. 

She was a beautiful person with so much spunk and fight in her.  She was passionate about truth and health and being a mother.  She was such a great advocate for her children.  She was an awesome friend and a great listener.  I enjoyed so much our conversations and time together.

It was a difficult, awesome, scary, and beautiful process to be with someone who is dying.  I was with her every day in the hospital/hospice care before she died.  I spoke with her about forgiveness, letting go of hurt and pain and trauma, and entrusting her children to God while she was in a coma.  I was able to say some things that were more difficult to say to her while she was alive.  I was able to laugh and cry simultaneously.  I told her that it was okay to let go and go to God and then in the next breath I would ask her if she wanted to live, if she wanted to fight to live.  And it went like this for the last 9 days of her life on earth. 

I let her go to God and then I prayed that God would raise her up.  It went like this.  I didn’t sleep for a week.  I didn’t eat for a week.  I just forgot.  It was an afterthought.  When I came home, I was too tired to eat.  When I went to bed, I was too tired to sleep.  But I would pray and ask for help, for peace, for healing for Terri.

The fourth day that Terri was in and out of a coma, I noticed some improvements and they encouraged me.  Her eyes were actually open and I could see that she was not completely in a coma.  She was severely uncomfortable in her bed, so I prayed for her and prayed for healing and peace.  She moved a lot and was flailing her arms and legs.  It was so hard to see her in this state.  I just wanted her to be whole, to be healed.

I went the next day and she seemed more comfortable because she wasn’t flailing anymore.  The 6^th day, she was even more responsive and would look at me and other friends and family.

The 7^th day, I arrived and the shock of my life came when my friend Terri said “hello,” like I was stopping by to pick up my raw milk or something equally casual.  I was elated, I was terrified, and I had hope.  Maybe she was pulling out of the coma?  She locked eyes with me this day and I knew that she completely recognized me.  She knew everything that I spoke to her the days previously.

There was a quiet calm in the room, a sweet presence of God, and a peace that started to flood my soul.  I became more relaxed.  We called her family and friends to come and talk to her.  She said hello and spoke to her sister and brother.  She even said, “hey you…” like she would normally say to me and she said “hey Meg.”  It was beautiful indeed to see the transformation.

The other transformation that was subtle yet still very apparent was the deep peace etched in her eyes.  She held peace, possibly for the first time in her life.  The deep, unshakeable type of peace seemed to lay itself on her broken, failing body.    In that moment I knew.  I knew that she had let go of hurt, pain, trauma, and rejection.  I knew that she had forgiven those people in her life that were the most difficult to forgive.  All the hardness and bitterness were completely melted away from her face and her eyes.  Her normally hard appearance was soft and full of grace and mercy. 

It was a beautiful transformation.  I was in awe of the moment.  I wondered what she had experienced in and out of her coma.  I wondered if she had spoken to God face to face.  I wondered if she saw the brilliance of light and of heaven. 

I look forward to the day that I can ask her all the questions that I have about her last days on earth.  So many things unanswered. 

The transformation was not for this life, but for the one to come.  The healing and restoration that we prayed earnestly for was not for this life, but for the one to come.  Terri received her healing.  Terri received her restoration.  It is more beautiful and brilliant than we can imagine in a broken and hurting world, but it is something to live and to hope for. 

I miss her, but I know that she is truly happy and at peace for the first time in her life.  It would be selfish of me to desire her to be here with me.  As I know that she found was she was searching her whole life for on earth. 

It was a privilege to be with her and to watch her let go and receive the peace that she needed.  It was the most difficult, beautiful, trying time.  I received and held onto the same peace that my friend Terri received.  And I look forward to that conversation that we will have one day in heaven, when I will ask her, “What did you experience during the last 9 days when you were in and out of a coma?” (Watch the video about Howard Storm's near death experience and it may give you an idea...)  I can’t wait to hear the response that I will receive from my friend.