Sometimes forgiveness and unforgiveness are very subtle and can be difficult to detect. Sometimes I hear people dismiss the idea that they have any unforgiveness without exploring what may be underlying the deeper issues of their soul. Sometimes we never feel the full impact of the hurt, the pain, or the betrayal because we chose to keep our emotions at a distance. When we keep our emotions at a distance, we don't allow our souls to expand deeper roots. We keep ourselves from growth and development and we become very shallow, superficial people.
The best approach to forgiveness is the following:
Face It. We must face that betrayal and that hurt. As painful as it may be to feel that feeling, it stunts our hearts and our souls to avoid the full range of human emotions and experiences. We need to realize that there is a gift within pain and hurt. Our hearts and souls expand to make us more compassionate, more peaceful, and forgiving people. We will be as healthy as we are in facing the reality of life.
Feel It. Feel the emotions surrounding the hurt and betrayal. Allow yourselves to move through stages of grief, if necessary. Don't stay stuck in anger and bitterness, but move through it. Embrace the feeling and it will move through you as easy as water.
Forgive It. Look at the hurt, pain, betrayal and make a choice in your will to forgive that person. If it helps, find a way to feel compassion. Find out more about their past, about how they were raised. Ask them questions about their life and you will find many reasons to have compassion on their decision and how it impacted you.
"If her past were your past, her pain your pain, her level of consciousness your level of consciousness, you would think and act exactly as she does. With this realization comes forgiveness, compassion, peace (Eckhart Tolle)."
When I realize what someone has lived through, I can forgive and hope for the best for that person. I have several situations in my life where I had to dig deep into my soul and heart to forgive. I had to forgive my now fiancé in a specific season of time and it has been the most wonderful, transformative experience for both of us. Forgiveness is so good, it is so freeing and it is the most loving action in the world.
Another situation recently showed me the power of forgiveness. Someone that I was counseling opened up to me about a horrific thing that happened to her. She was at a party and was raped by a friend who was at the party with her. It broke my heart to hear her explain the horrible details of the rape. She was affected in a deep way and was struggling to have normal relationships with people because of the trauma. We prayed and she was able to forgive this person who hurt her so deeply. At the end of the prayer, a deep peace rested on her face. I received a text from her a week later and she was so excited because her friend reached out and apologized with much remorse saying that he wished it never happened and that he has been tormented since it had happened. She was excited because it brought such a deep healing in her heart to receive this heartfelt apology and pleading for forgiveness. As soon as she released him from bitterness and judgement, not only was she able to start healing, but he was also able to start facing what he did and begin his own journey of healing.
"Forgiveness is the key to freedom (Hannah Arendt)."
Forgiveness creates space in your soul and your heart to live and wish the best for people without harboring anger, jealousy, bitterness. These toxic emotions wreck havoc on the body of a person. The most bitter people in the world tend to age so much quicker and in such a painful way. Many people who have severe forms of arthritis or cancer carry much unforgiveness in their hearts (this is not always the case, but I have seen it in some situations the toxic affect of bitterness in the body).
"Relationships do not cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in us (Eckhart Tolle)."
Relationships can be healing or destructive depending on how we approach this topic of forgiveness. If I chose to carry an attitude of forgiveness, I will reap the benefits of peace and joy. There are relational situations where we need to forgive and move on to other relationships that are more beneficial to our soul; however, many relationships that end with "irreconcilable" differences may have been resolved simply through the power of choosing to forgive.
Think of one or two people in your life who you need to forgive. Find a journal and write down all the things that you need to forgive them for. Take time to process and write your emotions concerning the person and situations that would require forgiveness. Write a letter of forgiveness. Release that person and burn the letter. Watch what happens in the physical realm. This spiritual act typically results in amazing changes in the natural. Many times, you will find yourself "running into" the person that you have forgiven. Or "out of the blue" this old friend may contact you and ask for your forgiveness. These things may or may not happen. However, your heart and soul will be free to trust again and free to feel joy and peace again. It is worth it and so beneficial to your health.
